This post is going to be very real. I try not to post many like this. I enjoy being very silly & whatever when I write. I want to read through this blog ten years from now & remember things as they were. But that would also mean I'd have to write the bad things in life too. So here goes...
Lately I've been down. Yeah, like the occasionally funk everyone experiences. Sure. But there's a trend with my runts in life -- they are showing up more often. Like almost daily. For the past couple months it's gotten progressively worse & there's no real reason why. Could be because I've been crazy busy with school, work, marriage, looking for a new home. The list goes on. But then I tell myself how petty I sound when I talk about how "tough" my life is. But I still find myself in a funk. I can't be happy. I try to be happy. I try to laugh & think that all things are good. But behind closed doors I see how terribly sad I am. & how it's greatly affected my relationships & most importantly, my marriage. One afternoon when we were home alone Mitch sat down & told me how it was affecting him. How my moods weren't just upsetting me, but him & our marriage too. It hurt to hear that. But I knew that all along. I knew that I was hurting him all this time, yet I didn't try to mask it or seek help.
I want to be happy. It's hard though when all I'm feeling is this emptiness. This void that awkwardly found a home in me. I have everything in the world I need or could ever want. I'm married to my best friend & we have two perfect pups that easily complete my life yet I feel incomplete. I've seen worse in my life & I was happier then. Why I can't be happy? I know all this sounds so trivial. Like I'm being a whinny twenty-year-old. It's difficult to explain. Plain & simple -- I'm sad.
I read somewhere that happiness doesn't just come into your life unwillingly. It's not something you can chase down & have forever. But you must choose to be happy. It's your choice to be content & smile & feel good at where your life is right now. It's knowing that your complete even with all your imperfections. I have my good days & I think today's one of those days where I successfully chose to be happy.
Thanks to those who managed to get to the end. #endrant