This post is going to be very real. I try not to post many like this. I enjoy being very silly & whatever when I write. I want to read through this blog ten years from now & remember things as they were. But that would also mean I'd have to write the bad things in life too. So here goes...
Lately I've been down. Yeah, like the occasionally funk everyone experiences. Sure. But there's a trend with my runts in life -- they are showing up more often. Like almost daily. For the past couple months it's gotten progressively worse & there's no real reason why. Could be because I've been crazy busy with school, work, marriage, looking for a new home. The list goes on. But then I tell myself how petty I sound when I talk about how "tough" my life is. But I still find myself in a funk. I can't be happy. I try to be happy. I try to laugh & think that all things are good. But behind closed doors I see how terribly sad I am. & how it's greatly affected my relationships & most importantly, my marriage. One afternoon when we were home alone Mitch sat down & told me how it was affecting him. How my moods weren't just upsetting me, but him & our marriage too. It hurt to hear that. But I knew that all along. I knew that I was hurting him all this time, yet I didn't try to mask it or seek help.
I want to be happy. It's hard though when all I'm feeling is this emptiness. This void that awkwardly found a home in me. I have everything in the world I need or could ever want. I'm married to my best friend & we have two perfect pups that easily complete my life yet I feel incomplete. I've seen worse in my life & I was happier then. Why I can't be happy? I know all this sounds so trivial. Like I'm being a whinny twenty-year-old. It's difficult to explain. Plain & simple -- I'm sad.
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I read somewhere that happiness doesn't just come into your life unwillingly. It's not something you can chase down & have forever. But you must choose to be happy. It's your choice to be content & smile & feel good at where your life is right now. It's knowing that your complete even with all your imperfections. I have my good days & I think today's one of those days where I successfully chose to be happy.
Thanks to those who managed to get to the end. #endrant
xoxo
-L
Awe this makes me sad. Hope you find your smile soon. We all get in little ruts everyone once in a while. Just remember, it's just a bad day, not a bad life.
ReplyDeleteI'm thankful that you did choose to post this....I appreciate your honesty and showing yourself...Sometimes we do just have seasons of feeling kinda off...you will find your step again and the smiles and joy will return to your face..Go deep and ask as many "why" questions as you can, and ask God....I think out of doing that you're going to "see" something new and different...Out of this time you're going to get a new and bigger picture for what's next. This "ehhh" time is going to bring you into the next stage of AWESOME!!
ReplyDeleteYou are so not alone! I was that way after I got married and moved. I had everything I wanted and was a big sad mess. Just remember it will get better. Every person is different but I would talk with others who had felt that way (aka my sister), find a Bible verse and claim it in your life, I listened to sermons and Christian music. Slowly but surely I took a turn for the better. Hang in there =)
ReplyDeleteI was in the same funk last winter; I actually went and bought the book "the happiness project" -- great read and really put a few things into perspective. I also made a point of going to bed early, spend some time to myself to read before going to bed. I found by doing that, my mood improved and I was less angry all the time. Hope you feel better!
ReplyDeleteWow, your other readers have said all the right things :) I'm sorry love, that things have been so blah for you :( But just remember that God knows you better than anyone else, He knows what you are experiencing and feeling, He knows how to make you "you" again! I pray for you that you will find your inner peace again and to know that this too shall pass!! Love you sweet and lovely Laurie dear!! :) xoxo!!!
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